Ill never be good enough. Everyone else has more experience so ill never be able to keep up. I suck because I’m so one dimensional. I’ve never expressed my true emotions in my own life so ill never be able to act with any authenticity or depth. As much as I want to let go I never will because I never have. I can’t. I’m not strong enough for this career. People won’t like me. I have to try hard for people to like me and that makes me over do it. I pretend to be so calm and air headed ill never be able to cry or really get angry at someone. Ill never be accepted. I’m such an anxious person ill never be calm. Ill never be able to be like to people I admire because they’re stronger, more interesting and attractive. If I made it I’d crumble under the pressure and blow it and embarrass myself so I won’t begin or try to do well. Being real hurts. I’ve been rejected before when I’ve been authentically myself so I play and pretend instead so that the real stuff stays hidden away and it’s my secret and I have an excuse for why I don’t make it. If I never really show anyone the truth I can’t be rejected for it. I’m safe. If I never really connect with someone I’m safe from them hurting or overwhelming me. I expect to be judged and criticized harshly so I hold back out of fear. I’m afraid to really go to that place for fear of what it’ll do to me and others. What happens if I try and fail? My life depends on this. I’d rather be mediocre and safe than great and brave and risk the painful low of a mistake made from the top of my game. I’m afraid to really listen to hear what others say in case it hurts. I he defensive for no reason. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel so far behind everyone else.
Starting something new today and I feel scared but I’m gonna tell myself I’m about to jump on a roller coaster and there’ll be candy at the end. Scared but excited is what I’m going for. See what happens…
Please help me understand what’s going on with us. I feel anxious. I’m afraid that ill do a bad job. I’m afraid of the energy it will take because I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle it. I wonder if I’m deluded for wanting the things I do – there is doubt. I feel scared to put myself out there, I’m afraid of taking responsibility for myself and other people and I’m afraid of not being perfect. I wish in my mind that this wasn’t the case but I feel the sick feeling in my stomach and I won’t lie to myself, it’s the truth. I want to be comfortable. I want to be able to live my life through the highs and lows feeling the same peace inside me. I don’t want to be so affected by my circumstances or people or my thoughts. I want a rest. A break. I’m tired. I want to be ok with feeling afraid. Allow what ever is troubling me to be. Talk with me if you need to.
Today I’ve learned more about this fear. I wonder if it’s something to do with sadness. Is what I fear on the surface really the feeling of sadness inside? If I go for this… and I fail… I’ll feel sadness. In searching for happiness, I feel the sadness of not having it yet. Melancholia is perhaps showing us another side of ourselves. What if this side was something to appreciate (think how much we’d save on the psychology bill) rather than something to avoid or fix? What if the fear of death was sadness at the idea of leaving this all behind? When we have this thought in our heads we may see that perhaps the issue of fear is really one of sadness. Maybe then we can be more gentle on ourselves. If i’m afraid of success, say, am I not anticipating the feeling of sadness I’ll have if I don’t reach my goals? With this in my mind I share an engraving from the German Renaissance master Albrecht Dürer – Melencolia 1. So sad, frightening and beautiful. Maybe that’s what life’s about. Now I start to see my fear in a softer light, things are changing perspective and I yield to the feeling of fear like I do the feeling of gratitude. Happy to be alive to feel it.
I’m completely afraid of myself. If I’m honest. I’m afraid of what ill say, ill do, even of what ill think. Is it healthy? I imagine it makes me self reflective, the unexamined life is not worth living they say, but what about the other part? The holding my tongue when I could speak up, the second guesses, and hiding behind another’s way of doing things. Well, perhaps they’re just part of it. Like heads and tails on a gold coin. Neutral. Maybe if I trust the fear I have of myself the same way I trust myself when I’m confident, charming and energized, then something cool will happen. It’s worth a shot because it seems that self doubt and fear are hear to stay. I’d like complete self acceptance and if that means I acknowledge being scared of the person I am, was and could be then fine. Count me in. Maybe ill find peace in this decision.
I heard the new way to live happily is to live with fear, not overcome it. Decide to use it as a motivator rather than butt heads against it and try to make it go away. Fear could welcome new experiences and inspiration rather than being that thing that keeps us stuck. It could hear a knock at the door and answer it. It could prevent being eaten by cannibals… Karen Walker tells us what she thinks about fear, creativity and imagination in this video from TED-talks…
- How to read our fears: Karen Thompson Walker at TEDGlobal 2012 (ted.com)
- Channel the Power of Fear For Your Advantage (meboucherblog.wordpress.com)
- Facing Fear (depressionthroughthepain.wordpress.com)
Today I was afraid I’d get somewhere then find out it wasn’t where I wanted to be, so I stayed where I was, unhappy but familiar. What does it take to push through this fear? Really strong balls of steel? A bit of a tomorrow never comes attitude? I will only find out if I enter the unknown and take my pen to write about what I find along the way…