Please help me understand what’s going on with us. I feel anxious. I’m afraid that ill do a bad job. I’m afraid of the energy it will take because I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle it. I wonder if I’m deluded for wanting the things I do – there is doubt. I feel scared to put myself out there, I’m afraid of taking responsibility for myself and other people and I’m afraid of not being perfect. I wish in my mind that this wasn’t the case but I feel the sick feeling in my stomach and I won’t lie to myself, it’s the truth. I want to be comfortable. I want to be able to live my life through the highs and lows feeling the same peace inside me. I don’t want to be so affected by my circumstances or people or my thoughts. I want a rest. A break. I’m tired. I want to be ok with feeling afraid. Allow what ever is troubling me to be. Talk with me if you need to.
I’m completely afraid of myself. If I’m honest. I’m afraid of what ill say, ill do, even of what ill think. Is it healthy? I imagine it makes me self reflective, the unexamined life is not worth living they say, but what about the other part? The holding my tongue when I could speak up, the second guesses, and hiding behind another’s way of doing things. Well, perhaps they’re just part of it. Like heads and tails on a gold coin. Neutral. Maybe if I trust the fear I have of myself the same way I trust myself when I’m confident, charming and energized, then something cool will happen. It’s worth a shot because it seems that self doubt and fear are hear to stay. I’d like complete self acceptance and if that means I acknowledge being scared of the person I am, was and could be then fine. Count me in. Maybe ill find peace in this decision.