Ill never be good enough. Everyone else has more experience so ill never be able to keep up. I suck because I’m so one dimensional. I’ve never expressed my true emotions in my own life so ill never be able to act with any authenticity or depth. As much as I want to let go I never will because I never have. I can’t. I’m not strong enough for this career. People won’t like me. I have to try hard for people to like me and that makes me over do it. I pretend to be so calm and air headed ill never be able to cry or really get angry at someone. Ill never be accepted. I’m such an anxious person ill never be calm. Ill never be able to be like to people I admire because they’re stronger, more interesting and attractive. If I made it I’d crumble under the pressure and blow it and embarrass myself so I won’t begin or try to do well. Being real hurts. I’ve been rejected before when I’ve been authentically myself so I play and pretend instead so that the real stuff stays hidden away and it’s my secret and I have an excuse for why I don’t make it. If I never really show anyone the truth I can’t be rejected for it. I’m safe. If I never really connect with someone I’m safe from them hurting or overwhelming me. I expect to be judged and criticized harshly so I hold back out of fear. I’m afraid to really go to that place for fear of what it’ll do to me and others. What happens if I try and fail? My life depends on this. I’d rather be mediocre and safe than great and brave and risk the painful low of a mistake made from the top of my game. I’m afraid to really listen to hear what others say in case it hurts. I he defensive for no reason. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel so far behind everyone else.
I’m completely afraid of myself. If I’m honest. I’m afraid of what ill say, ill do, even of what ill think. Is it healthy? I imagine it makes me self reflective, the unexamined life is not worth living they say, but what about the other part? The holding my tongue when I could speak up, the second guesses, and hiding behind another’s way of doing things. Well, perhaps they’re just part of it. Like heads and tails on a gold coin. Neutral. Maybe if I trust the fear I have of myself the same way I trust myself when I’m confident, charming and energized, then something cool will happen. It’s worth a shot because it seems that self doubt and fear are hear to stay. I’d like complete self acceptance and if that means I acknowledge being scared of the person I am, was and could be then fine. Count me in. Maybe ill find peace in this decision.